Sports Jokes
Baseball
Q: What's the best way to keep a Cubs baserunner from reaching home plate?
A: Put him on third base.
Q: How many fans does it take to change a light bulb at Wrigley Field?
A: Three. One to change it and two to talk about how good the old one was.
Q: Why doesn't Iowa have a professional baseball team?
A: Because then Illinois would want one too.
Q: What does "Cubs" stand for?
A: Completely Useless By September.
The hitting coach for the Cubs enters the manager's office. "Skipper," he says, "I've got some good news and some bad news."
"What's the good news?" the manager replies.
"You know that new pitching machine we bought to help the guys with batting practice? We got it installed, and the guys started using it today."
"Okay, what's the bad news?"
"It just beat us 5-1."
The manager for the Cubs enters the general manager's office. "Hey," he says, "I've got some good news and some bad news."
"What's the good news?" the general manager replies.
"We're only three players away from winning the World Series this year."
"Really? What's the bad news, then?"
The manager says, "Those three players are Ruth, Gehrig, and Mantle."
Wade Boggs, Steve Garvey, and Pete Rose are sitting around a bar having a round of drinks when a gorgeous woman walks in. The three former ballplayers all nudge each other and take a gander.
Wade Boggs says, "You know, I think I slept with her once."
Steve Garvey shrugs and says, "So what? She's carrying my baby."
To which Pete Rose slugs down a shot and says, "Don't bet on it."
Two buddies, Bob and Joe, are two huge baseball fans from early childhood on. They discuss baseball history in the winter and pore over the box scores and standings during the season. They share season tickets. They even agree that whoever dies first will try to come back and tell the other if there is baseball in Heaven.
One summer night, Bob suffers a heart attack while watching the Cubs win the World Series. A few nights later, his buddy Joe awakens to the sound of Bob's voice calling his name.
"Bob, Is that you?" Joe asks.
"Hey, a promise is a promise," Bob replies.
"This is unbelievable!" Joe exclaims. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there is baseball in heaven, Joe. And it's the greatest. All the best players are there, and we all pick teams. Yesterday, in fact, I played on a team with Dimaggio, Gehrig, and Williams!"
"That's great, Bob! So what's the bad news?"
"I just saw the lineup cards, Joe," Bob's voice replies. "Tomorrow night, you're at short and batting leadoff."
After giving up three runs in the top of the first, the manager runs out of the dugout to have a word with his rookie pitcher.
The manager says, "Son, I think I've figured out what your problem is. You lose control at the same exact point in every game."
"When's that, coach?" the rookie asks.
"Right after the National Anthem."
Three rookies are at batting practice. The first guy pops one straight overhead that falls back into the stands. He turns to the hitting coach and says, "What did I do wrong?"
The coach says, "Loft."
The next guy steps up and hits a foul that dribbles near the fence by first base. He asks the coach, "What did I do wrong?"
The coach says, "Loft."
The third guy swings and misses. He asks the coach, "What did I do wrong?"
The coach says, "Loft."
As they're walking to the showers, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the coach, "The three of us made completely different swings, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What's loft?"
The coach replies, "Lack of fucking talent."
Fishing
Two fishermen are out on the lake when one of them drops his wallet overboard. Before the man can grab it, a carp comes along and bats the wallet into the air. Before it hits the surface, another carp a few feet away leaps out of the water and bats the wallet in the air to a third carp. The carps continue to bat the wallet between the three of them, making a game of it.
So the second fisherman turns to the first and says, "Hey, look! Carp-to-carp wallet!"
A father and son go fishing one day. While they're out in the boat, the boy suddenly becomes curious about the world around him. He asks his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replies, "Don't rightly know son."
A little later, the boy looks at his father and asks, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Again, the father replies. "Don't rightly know son."
A short time after that, the boy asks his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Once again, the father replies, "Don't rightly know son."
"Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you won't ever learn nothin'."
Golf
Joe goes golfing every Saturday with his friend Bob. One Saturday, he comes home four hours late. He throws his clubs in the closet and immediately heads to the refrigerator for a beer. "What took you so long?" his wife asks.
Joe takes a long swig and says, "That was the worst day of golf I've ever spent. We get up to the first tee, Bob hits a hole-in-one and drops dead from a heart attack."
"That's terrible!"
"Terrible isn't the half of it," Joe replies. "For seventeen holes after that, it's hit the ball, drag Bob, hit the ball, drag Bob...."
George drops in on the golf course looking to play a quick round of golf. The club pro tells him that the course is pretty busy, but there's a woman getting ready to tee off by herself, and if George hurries, he can play a round with her.
He rushes down to the first tee and introduces himself. The woman smiles and says, "I'm Sally, and I'd love a partner to play with."
So the two of them are golfing and hitting it off with each other right away. They're joking and flirting at each hole; by the time they hit the 10th hole, Sally invites George into the woods just off the fairway for one of the best blow jobs he's ever had. Afterward, they continue on the course.
At the tee on the 18th, Sally sighs loudly and says, "George, I've had a wonderful round with you. But I have a confession to make."
"What, you're married?"
"No...actually my real name is Sam. And I'm not really a woman; I'm a man."
"What!" George yells, throwing down his club. "Oh, my God! You mean all this time you've been a man but hitting off the women's tee?"
The 16th tee on this particular course features a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome tees off and hooks the ball. It soars over the fence and bounces onto the street, where it hits the tire of a moving bus and ricochets back onto the fairway.
As they all stand in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asks, "How did you do that?"
The golfer shrugs. "You have to know the bus schedule."
Two golfing buddies are getting frustrated by a pair of women ahead of them playing very slowly. Finally, one of them says, "I'm going to to ask those two to either hurry it up or let us play through."
He walks up ahead but comes hurrying back a couple of minutes later.
"You'll never believe it, but when I got closer, I saw that it's my wife and my mistress playing a round together. I took off before they could see me."
The other guy nods and says, "Don't worry about it, I'll talk with them."
He takes off but comes hurrying back as well. "Jesus," he says, "small world, isn't it?"
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, and driving his partner nuts.
Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You'll never hit her from here!"
A couple of women are playing golf on a Sunday morning. The first of the twosome tees off and watches in horror as her ball heads directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Sure enough, the ball hits one of the men, and he immediately clasps his hands together at his crotch, falls to the ground and proceeds to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushes down to the man and immediately begins to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she tells him earnestly.
"Ummph, no, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replies breathlessly as he stays in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persists, and he finally gives in. She gently takes his hands away, loosens his pants, and she put her hands inside, vigorously massaging his privates. After a few minutes, she asks, "How does that feel?"
"It feels great," he says, "but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Bob and Dave finish up a round of golf at the country club. Both hit the showers afterward. As they're getting dressed, Bob notices that Dave is putting on a frilly pair of women's underwear.
"Dave," he says, "um, since when did you start wearing those?"
Dave replies, "Since my wife found them in my glove compartment."
A woman goes for her first golf lesson. The pro watches her practice swing and says, "Take it easy, ma'am. You're too hard on your grip."
"How can I correct that?" asks the wife.
"You've got to be gentle with it. Handle the club like you'd handle your husband's member."
The wife nods. She lines up a shot, takes a swing, and weakly drives the ball about thirty yards down the fairway.
"Okay," the pro says, "that was pretty gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to."
Sister Mary returns to the convent after a morning round of golf and immediately goes to see the Mother Superior.
"Mother Superior," she says, "I need absolution."
"What happened, my child?" the older woman asks.
"I'm afraid I used foul language on the golf course this morning," the nun replies. "I began to tee off on the third hole—"
"And you missed the ball and cursed?"
"No, Mother Superior. It was the best drive I've ever hit, straight down the fairway. Well, then I lined up for my approach shot and when I hit it, it started to slice—"
"And you cursed when you saw it slicing?"
"No, Mother Superior. The slice took it toward the woods, but it bounced off a tree and landed on the green six inches from the cup."
Mother Superior rolls her eyes and says, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
A man enters the emergency room with two black eyes, multiple lacerations, and a seven iron wrapped around his neck. The doctor pulls him into one of the examining rooms and says, "What the hell happened to you, my friend?"
"Well, doc," the man replies, "It's like this. My wife and I were out on the golf course off the eighth tee when we both wind up slicing into a cow pasture next to the course. So we both head into the pasture to see if we can find our balls. Now, doc, when we play, I usually play a white ball, and my wife plays an orange one."
"So what happened in the cow pasture?" the doctor asks.
"Okay, so we're hunting around for a few minutes, and neither one of us is having any luck. Then I notice this cow walking kind of funny and flicking her tail. So I go up, lift the cow's tail, and there's an orange ball lodged right in the cow's rectum!
"So I call over to my wife, lift the cow's tail for her to see, and I say, 'Hey, honey, this looks like yours!'
"Doc, that's the last thing I remember...."
A man and his wife are at the country club. They finish putting on the first hole and are walking to the second tee when the wife suffers a nasty bee sting and starts having an allergic reaction. The husband drives her immediately to the emergency room.
"What have we got here?" asks the ER doctor.
"We were golfing, and I got stung by a bee," the wife replies. "I'm allergic."
"Don't worry, everything's going to be just fine," the doctor replies. Where did you get stung?"
The wife thinks for a moment and says, "Between the first and second hole."
"Wow," the doctor says. "You must have an awfully wide stance."
A guy gets paired at the local golf course with a nun and they are making their way around the course when they finally arrive at the fifth tee; a long par four with a dog leg to the left. The guy drives off the tee and his ball hooks sharply into a thick rough near some woods. "Shit," he yells, "that really pisses me off, dammit!" The nun can't help but overhear him cussing out loud and she tells the man that he shouldn't be swearing like that and proceeds to scold him about his language.
Then the nun tees off and slices her ball into the woods where it hits a large oak tree, bounces back and lands almost back at the tee box. She starts swearing up a storm, using every bad word in the book. Her golf partner approaches her and says, "how come you are saying all of those nasty words when you told me God didn't like my using them?"
"Hey," snaps the nun, "your ball didn't hit those fuckin' trees."
Off the seventh tee, Joe slices his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He takes his eight iron and clambers down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spots something glistening in the leaves. As he draws nearer, he discovers that it's an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately calls out to his friend, "Bob, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?" Bob asks from the edge of the ravine.
"Toss down my wedge!" Joe shouts. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"
An American executive has to travel to Japan for a business conference. His arrival flight gets there a day before the conference begins, and he finds himself a little bored and lonely that evening. He makes a few phone calls and finds a cathouse in Tokyo's red-light district. The madame sets him up with a beautiful young Japanese woman who doesn't speak English.
The language barrier doesn't deter them from the business at hand, and soon the American and the Japanese woman are making mad, passionate love. At the height of their passion, the woman begins yelling "Gama Su! Gama Su!" at the top of her lungs. The American doesn't understand what she says, but suspects it is quite complimentary of his prowess.
The conference begins, and the American spends the next few days in attendance. On the last day, some Japanese executives from the conference invite him on a golfing outing before he's to leave the country.
The man joins them on the golf course the next morning. On the third hole, one of his partners eagles a shot from 150 yards away. His colleagues begin yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to join in, the American shouts out the only Japanese he's learned on this trip, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
The Japanese go quiet and stare at him. Finally, the Japanese man who had made the shot asks, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"
Hunting
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down, sir, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"
Joe and Bob go out hunting for the first time. They get out in the middle of the woods and get lost. Joe says, "I read in a book that you need to fire shots in the air if you get lost so people can find you. Give it a try!"
Bob fires off a shot. A half hour goes by, so Joe tells him to fire off another shot. Bob does, and another half hour goes by. Still nothing. Joe tells Bob to fire off another shot.
"Okay," Bob replies, "but I'm almost out of arrows...."
Three statisticians go on a bow hunting trip. Not long after entering the forest, they see a huge buck. The first statistican takes a shot, and the arrow sails 10 feet to the right of the buck. Then the second one takes a shot, and the arrow sails 10 feet to the left of the buck.
The third statistician shouts triumphantly, "We got him! We got him!"
A group of friends go deer hunting and pair off for the day. That night, one of the hunters returns alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Billy?" ask the other guys in the camp.
"We had a little accident, and I kind of shot Billy in the leg. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Billy laying out there and carried the deer back?"
"Well, it was a tough call," replies the hunter, "but I figured nobody's going to steal Billy!"
Every winter, Fred and Billly go deer hunting without success. Finally, they devise a foolproof plan. They will purchase a female deer costume and learn the mating call of a female deer; next winter, they will hide in the costume, lure a buck, then ditch the costume and shoot the deer.
Winter arrives, and the two men set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, don their costume and begin to give the deer love call. Before long, their call is answered as a huge buck comes crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the buck gets close enough, Fred says, "Okay, let's get out and shoot him."
After a long moment, Billy says, "This damn zipper is stuck! We're trapped in here! What are we going to do?"
Fred replies, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
Joe is telling his friend about his recent deer hunting trip to Montana. "We were out in the woods all morning and our guide decided that we should take a break along the river bank. I wasn't feeling tired so I went for a stroll while the others were resting. As I was walking, a grizzly bear burst out of the brush in front of me."
"A bear? What did you do?" asks the friend.
"Well, I turned and started running like hell through the woods with the bear after me. The bear almost caught up with me but slipped and fell down. I kept running and the bear almost caught up with me again twice, but slipped and fell each time. I finally reached the river bank. The guide saw the bear chasing me and shot it dead."
"Wow!" replies his friend, "That's incredible. If I'd been in that kind of trouble, I would've shit myself."
Joe says, "What do you think that bear was slipping on?"
A young man from the city goes to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle shows him the usual things: chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it's obvious that the nephew is getting bored, and the uncle is running out of things to keep the boy occupied.
Finally, the uncle has an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"
This seems to perk the nephew up, and off he goes, dogs in tow. A few hours later, the nephew returns.
"How did you enjoy that?" asks the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaims the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
A city slicker is lost on a trip, so he pulls into a rural town to stop for gas and ask for directions. The town is little more than a crossroads with a gas station. An old man tends the gas station, and he fills the traveler's tank and points him in the direction of the highway. The city slicker thanks him, looks around, and says, "This is sure a long way from nowhere. So, what you folks do around here?"
The old fellow shrugs and says, "We don't do much 'round here except hunt 'n fuck."
"What do you hunt?"
"Somethin' to fuck."