Sex Jokes
A young man goes to the doctor complaining about a problem with his penis. When the doctor examines him, he notices that the man's member is bright orange. After a battery of tests with no results, the doctor says, "Well, I've never seen anything like this in my entire medical career. Let's start trying to narrow down the problem. Are you under any stress?"
"No, not really," the man replies.
"Do you work with any hazardous materials?"
"No, I work a pretty routine desk job, nothing dangerous."
"Could you have contracted something from a sexual partner?"
"No, not a chance. My girlfriend dumped me last year, and I haven't been seeing anyone since."
The doctor shakes his head. "This one's a real puzzler. What about lifestyle or hobbies? What do you do when you're at home?"
"Well," says the young man, "to tell you the truth, I don't do much since the girlfriend left. Most nights I just sit around watching porn, eating Cheetohs...."
A married couple takes their young son for his first visit to the zoo. When they get near the elephant habitat, the father goes to find the concession stand. The young boy stares at the elephants for a moment, then tugs on his mother's sleeve.
"Mom," he asks, "what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's his trunk, dear."
"No, the other end."
"That's his tail."
"No, Mom, down below there."
The mother realizes that he's pointing to the elephant's member. She blushes and says, "Oh, that's nothing, son."
Pretty soon the father returns, and the mother leaves to find the ladie's room. As soon as she's gone, the boy tugs at this dad's sleeve. "Dad, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's his trunk, son."
"No, the other end."
"That's his tail."
"No, Dad, down below there."
His father takes a good look, shakes his head and smiles. "That's the elephant's penis."
"Dad, how come when I asked Mom about it, she said it was nothing?"
The father takes a deep breath and replies, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
A young man decides that he's not happy with his physical endowment. He visits a doctor and announces his desire to have his penis surgically enlarged.
The doctor checks things out and tells him that the only real chance for success is an experimental surgery that involves implanting a section of a baby elephant's trunk.
Despite the radical solution, the young man is adamant and goes through with it. The operation is done without any complications, and after a few weeks of recuperation, he decides it's time to try out the new accoutrement.
He invites a lovely young gal he's met at work out to dinner at an elegant restaurant. They're have a quiet conversation and hitting it off. Suddenly, however, his new member, which had been comfortably resting against his leg, whips out over the table, grabs a roll from the bread dish, and just as quickly disappears from sight.
The girl is silent for a moment, then blushes and says, "Wow, that was...amazing. Um, can you do that again?"
"I think so," the young man replies warily, "but I don't know if my ass can take another hard roll."
A cavalry officer gets captured by Indians after a battle. The chief approaches him and says, "You fought well, white man, so I will grant you three last requests before we kill you. What is your first request?"
"Well, I'd like to talk to my horse," says the officer. The chief shrugs but agrees. The officer lets out a sharp whistle, and his horse immediately trots to his side. The officer whispers very quickly in the horse's ear. With a nicker, the horse gallops off over the ridge.
An hour later, the horse returns with a buxome, naked brunette on his back. The chief nods approvingly and offers his teepee. When the officer returns, the chief asks him, "What is your second request?"
"I'd like to talk to my horse again," the officer replies. The officer whistles for his horse, and again he hurriedly whispers in the horse's ear. The horse gallops away.
An hour later, the horse returns; this time, the rider is a naked blonde. The chief raises an eyebrow but offers his teepee once more. When the officer steps out of the teepee, the chief says, "You have one last request."
"Let me talk to my horse again ," the officer replies. He whistles again. When his horse trots over, this time he grabs the horse by a nostril, pulls him close, and hisses in his ear, "For the last time...I said POSSE!"
Little Johnny is playing with his new chemistry set down in the basement, spending all afternoon mixing various liquids together. Eventually, his dad comes down to check on him and finds him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the wall.
"Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asks the dad.
"It's not a nail," says Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried bringing this worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard as a rock."
Johnny shows his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his dad says, "I'll tell you what. You give me the test tube with your special chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota."
So little Johnny hands the test tube over.
The next day, Johnny comes home from school and spots a brand new Mercedes- Benz parked in the driveway. He finds his dad and asks about the car.
"Oh," says the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from your mother."
Two rural guys are walking home late one night from a bar. When they reach a bridge passing over a river, both decide to take the opportunity to relieve themselves.
The first man unzips. A moment later, he whistles and says, "Man, that water sure is cold."
Without missing a beat, his buddy replies, "Deep, too."
A man on a business trip checks into a hotel. Feeling a bit lonely that evening, he flips through the phone book until he finds an "Escorts and Massages" section. Picking a particularly erotic ad, the man picks up the phone and dials the number.
A woman's voice answers, "Hello?"
"Yeah, hey, I saw your ad in the yellow pages," the man replies. "You're advertising massages, but I'm going to be up front—I want sex. I want it hot, and I want it all night long. I want to do everything I've always thought about doing to a woman. How does that sound?"
"Sounds pretty steamy," the woman says, "but sir, you need to press 9 for an outside line."
Bob is so tired of the day-to-day grind that he decides to get as far away from everything as possible—he joins the Foreign Legion. For his first post, he is assigned to a remote fort in North Africa. As the captain is showing him around the fort, the officer points toward a barrel in the courtyard.
"And that, private," the captain says, "is what the men use to relieve themselves when they are lonely."
Bob tells the captain, "I don't think I'll ever get that lonely, sir."
Well, by the time six months has passed, Bob starts eyeing the barrel a little differently. He approaches it one night, and spots a hole in its side. Looking around and seeing no one around, Bob unzips and places his member in the hole. To his surprise, a pair of lips envelops him and gives Bob the best blow job of his life.
Bob becomes a regular over the course of the month, visiting the barrel every day. But one day, Bob tries the barrel and nothing happens. He hurries to the captain's office and says, "Captain! The barrel isn't working!"
The captain glances down at his desk, looking over some papers. "That shouldn't be the case; let's see here...oh, I see."
"Well, what is it?"
"I'm checking the roster," the captain replies, "and it's the twentieth of the month. Looks like it's your turn in the barrel."
Bob, tired of the rat race, decides to leave the city and settle down in rural Arkansas. He purchases a house on a large tract of land in the boondocks and moves in. The first day, as he's walking about the property, he encounters a bearded fellow leaning against a tree, eyeing him with curiosity.
"Hi," Bob ventures. "Just moved in today. I guess we're neighbors."
"I reckon so," the man replies. "Say, there's going to be a party tonight at my house. You like parties, feller?"
"Sure, I like a good party as much as anybody," Bob says.
"Well, I don't know what kind of parties you're used to back home, but around here, the parties can get a little wild."
"I've done my share of wild parties, old timer. What's this party going to be like?"
"Well now," the man says, "first there's gonna be some drinking. Then there's gonna be some fighting. Then there's gonna be some more drinking. Then there's gonna be some sex. Then there's gonna be some more drinking."
"It sounds like it should be a blast," Bob replies. "What time should I be there?"
The man shrugs. "You can show up whenever you want. It's just gonna be you and me."
A guy walks up to a beautiful young lady sitting at a bar and says, "Lady, I'll bet you $20 that I can touch your breasts without touching your shirt."
Intrigued, the woman buttons up her shirt all the way and says, "Okay, you're on."
The man steps up, cups his hands under her breasts, and gives them a firm squeeze.
"Hey, that was definitely touching my shirt!"
The man smiles and fishes a $20 bill from his pocket. "Here you go."
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 18th hole. He tees up and makes a hole-in-one. When he gets to the cup to retrieve his ball however, out pops a leprechaun.
"Faith and begorrah!" the leprechaun says. "Anyone who gets a hole-in-one on this green gets three wishes."
The man says, "That's all right. I'm just glad to make that shot, and I don't know what I'd do with three wishes anyway." With that, the man takes his ball and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, now, wasn't he a decent sort of fellow! I'll just go ahead and grant him three wishes anyhow, let's see... a great golf game, unlimited money, and a great sex life. Who wouldn't appreciate all that?"
A few years later, the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 18th hole. Sure enough, he makes another hole-in-one. When he gets to the green, he sees the leprechaun and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"Couldn't be better," the golfer replies. "I shoot under par every time out."
"I did that for you, you know. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred-dollar bill."
"I did that for you, too. And might I ask how your love life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a month."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "What?! Only once or twice a month?"
"Well," the golfer replies, "for a Catholic priest in a small parish...."
Two gals go to the local movie theater together. Just as the movie starts, a young man sits down beside them. A few minutes later, one girl nudges the other one and in a hushed voice whispers, "Holy shit! This guy next to me is whacking off!"
"Well, just try to ignore him!" her friend replies.
"I can't! He's using my hand!"
This traveler knocks on the door of a house where a cab driver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slides open and a female voice asks what he wants. "I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answers the voice.
The man does this, the panel closes, a few minutes pass. Nothing happens. He begins to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slides open again.
"Hey," he shouts, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" says the voice. "Again?"
Two guys are chatting at a bar. One says, "Man, I'm needing some sex in the worst way."
His friend thinks a minute and replies, "Well, the worst way I can think of is standing up in a hammock."
A young man enters a pharmacy and asks to speak with a male pharmacist. The woman behind the counter explains that she is the pharmacist, that she owns the store with her sister, and that there are no males employed there. She then assures him that she will be completely discreet and professional about whatever it is that's troubling him.
The man agrees and says, "Well, this is difficult for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So, I was wondering if you could give me something for it?"
"Just a moment," the pharmacist replies, "I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returns, she says, "I've discussed it at length with my sister, and the absolute best offer we can give you is a one-third ownership in the store, a company car, and $2,500 a month for living expenses."
An unhappy young women in New York City is having no luck at all. Everything is going wrong in her life, and she decides to do herself in. She walks down to the waterfront, where she plans to hurl herself off the end of a pier. At the moment she's about to jump, however, a merchant seaman approaches and asks her what is wrong. She responds with a litany of problems with her husband, her children, her job, and self-worth.
"Well," the seaman says, "I'm not trying to minimize your problems, but I haven't heard anything yet that's worth killing yourself over. My ship is on the other side of the pier, and we're leaving for Europe in a couple of hours. I know where there's a small stateroom that nobody uses, and I'll make sure you get food. All I ask is that at night, you give me what I want, and when we get to Europe you can get a fresh start."
For a couple of weeks, that's how things go. Then, on a routine inspection of the ship, the captain finds the young woman in the stateroom and asks how she got there.
"Well, I'm not going to lie to you," she replies. "One of your men stowed me away. I'm going to get a fresh start when we get to Europe. He brings me sandwiches and coffee every day, and he's been screwing me every night."
"He sure has, lady," says the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."