Police Jokes
A cop pulls over a Porsche for speeding. When the driver rolls down the window, he looks up at the cop and says, "So, I guess somebody needs to make his quota this month, huh?"
Pulling out his clipboard, the cop replies, "No, sir, I've already made my quota this month. This one's on the house."
A judge recognizes a repeat offender awaiting his turn before the bench. When the man gets his summons, the judge asks, "Didn't I tell you last time that I never wanted to see you in here again?"
"Yes sir, Your Honor," the man replies. "That's just what I tried to tell the officers who brought me here, but they wouldn't listen."
A man walks into the sheriff's office and says, "I want to become a deputy!"
"Okay. You can get started by bringing in this man," says the sheriff, handing the man a wanted poster. "He showed up in town about a week ago wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots."
"What's he wanted for?" the new deputy asks.
"Rustling."
The new guy gets ushered into prison. At mess, he finds a spot amidst some old timers and sits down to eat. As he's chowing, one of the men says, "42!" The rest of the men at the table howl with laughter.
The new guy turns to the prisoner next to him and asks, "Hey, what's with the numbers, pops?"
"Oh, that. Listen, kid, when you've been in the big house as long as we have, you've heard all the jokes. So we just numbered the punchlines and call 'em out to save time. That 42, there's a good one, I tell you."
This goes on around the table until one of the men calls out, "34!" The rest of the men just grumble and shake their heads.
"Man," the old timer says to the new guy, "some guys just cannot tell a joke."
Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on suspension! Now get out of here and get on patrol!"
The cop swears that he's not going to make any more mistakes, and heads out on patrol. He's driving around town when he gets a call about a traffic fatality nearby. The cop puts on his lights and speeds toward the scene. When he arrives, the cop sees the worst head-on collision he's ever encountered. He gets out of the car, whips out his notebook, and starts to take notes, being very conscious of his spelling.
"One, O-N-E. Ford, F-O-R-D. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H."
The cop thinks to himself, "Okay, so far, so good." He walks across the street to the other vehicle.
"One, O-N-E. Dodge, D-O...D...G-E. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H."
Now the cop is feeling really confident. He strides to the middle of the highway, where he discovers the decapitated head of one of the unfortunate victims.
"One, O-N-E. Head, H-E-A-D. In the boulevard, B-U-L...B-L-U...B-O-L-L...B-I-L...."
The cop stops writing, takes a look around, and sends the head to the side of the road with his boot. With that, he hastily writes, "In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H."
Bob has been a border patrol agent for years at a checkpoint notorious for smuggling. He's learned over the years to spot anything suspicious. So one day, when a young man named Juan peddles up to the border on his bicycle carrying two large bags over his shoulders, Bob stops him.
"What's your name, son?" he asks.
"Juan."
"Well, Juan," Bob says, "Can you tell me what you've got in those bags?"
"Sand," Juan answers. Bob says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike."
Bob opens up the bags and empties them on the ground. Sand pours out. Bob has Juan detained overnight while he sends the sand to a lab for analysis. The results come back; it's pure sand, nothing else. Bob puts the sand into new bags, releases Juan, and gets his bicycle for him to cross the border.
The next day Juan returns on his bicycle, carrying another two bags. Once again, Bob asks him, "What have you got in the bags, Juan?"
"Sand," Juan replies. Once again, Bob checks the bags and finds nothing but sand. He gives the bags back to Juan and waves him through.
This goes on, day in and day out, for the next ten years. Juan pedals to the border with two bags of sand, Bob checks them, and Juan continues on through the border. Bob finally retires, but he can't get the last ten years with Juan out of his head. He decides to track Juan down in Mexico. He takes a bus into the country and runs into Juan in a cantina after an afternoon of looking for him.
"Amigo!" says Juan. "I've been missing you at the border."
"Well, I retired," says Bob. "Hey, listen, something's been driving me crazy. I know you were smuggling something, and it's been all I can think about since I retired. Look, just between you and me, what have you smuggling all these years?"
Juan grins, takes a swig of beer, and says, "Bicycles."
Conchito is the most wanted bandit in Texas. He's robbed every bank between the state line and the Rio Grande, and no one knows where he's stashed all the loot. One day, his luck runs out, and the sheriff and his posse track him down in El Paso. The sheriff gives him a little kick and says, "Okay, Conchito, where'd you hide the money?"
"Que?" Conchito asks.
"Hell," says the sheriff. "He don't speak English." The sheriff spotted a Tejano man sitting in front of the local saloon. "Hey," he called, "we need you to translate for us. Tell this scumbag we want to know where he hid the money he stole."
The Tejano translates. Conchito says to him, "Tell them it's all spent."
"Mister, he say he spent it all," the Tejano tells the sheriff.
"Bullshit," the sheriff says. "Tell him we want to know where the loot is, or we're going to beat him silly."
Again, the Tejano translates. Conchito says to him, "Tell him I forget where I hid it, I can't remember."
"Mister, he say he no remember where he hide the money."
The sheriff and his men proceed to beat and kick the bandit. When they're done, the sheriff pulls out his Colt .45 and points it at Conchito. "I've had enough of this," he says to the Tejano. "You tell that son of a bitch he's got one last chance to tell us where that money's hid, or I'm gonna put a bullet right through his head!"
The Tejano relates this to Conchito, who turns pale. "Okay, okay," he tells the Tejano. "Tell them it's buried under the cactus just north of my shack."
The Tejano nods, turns to the sheriff, and says, "Mister, he say you are big, fat yellow-belly and he no afraid of you. He say if you got the guts, go ahead and shoot!"
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the judge shouts back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You goddamned tightwad!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" warn the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout.
The judge thunders back "If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold you in contempt!"
"Your Honor, I've lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a fucking tool when I needed to borrow one?"