Medical Jokes
After a few months of feeling ill, a man visits his doctor for a physical. "I'm afraid I've got some very bad news," the doctor says. "You've probably got six months to live according to the tests."
"That's terrible!" says the man. "Isn't there anything I can do?"
"Well," the doctor says, scratching his chin, "You could get married and move to Georgia."
"What?" the man asks. "And that's supposed to help me?"
"No, but it'll be the longest six months of your life."
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a physical. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I've got some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"That's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"
The doctor interrupts, looking at his watch. "Nine...."
A woman visits her doctor complaining about her libido. The doctor writes her a prescription for some male hormone pills, telling her to take them daily. A couple of weeks later, the doctor is going over his notes and discovers that he should have told her to take the hormone pills weekly instead. Mortified, he calls his patient.
"Thank goodness you called, doctor. I've been noticing some rather severe side effects, and they have me pretty worried. I've grown hair on my chest!"
"All right, let's just stay calm," the doctor says. "How far has the hair growth spread?"
To which the woman replies, "All the way down to my nuts—which is another thing I want to talk to you about!"
A woman goes to her doctor complaining about her husband's libido. "He just doesn't have the same desire or energy he had a few years ago, doc. Can you help him?"
"I've got just the thing," the doctor replies. He writes a prescription for some hormone pills and says, "Tell him to take one pill every morning, and I think you'll both notice a big difference."
The next week, the doctor realizes that he's accidentally prescribed an amount twice the normal dosage. The doctor immediately calls the woman.
"Wow, doctor," the woman says, laughing, "Those pills are really something. Last night at dinner, it was just like we were newlyweds again! We weren't even done eating, but he whipped the tablecloth off the table, scattering the dishes everywhere, and ravished me right there on the table."
The doctor replies, "Well, I'm afraid I prescribed him a double-strength dosage. Have you noticed any side effects?"
"No, not really so far," the woman replies. "Of course, I don't think we'll ever be welcome in that restaurant again...."
A doctor is making his rounds through the hospital when he stops to talk to the head nurse.
The nurse says , "By the way, doctor, did you know you've got your thermometer stuck behind your ear?"
The doctor feels around his ear and says, "Great, some asshole has my pen."
A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I don't know whether it's stress or what, but I keep losing my temper with people."
The doctor nods and says , "Tell me about your problem."
"I just did, you damned jackass!"
Following Bob's annual physical, the doctor tells him, "Well, Bob, I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Okay, give me the bad news first," says Bob.
"The bad news is you've got six months to live."
"What?" Bob replies. "Jesus, so what's the good news?"
The doctor points toward the lobby. "You know that new blonde receptionist out there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwing her."
A man makes a frantic call to 911. "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor right now!"
The dispatcher says, "All right, just calm down. Is this her first child?"
"No, this is her fucking husband!"
A young businessman goes on a trip to Thailand. While there, he decides to visit the red-light district of Bangkok, where he entertains quite a few ladies. However, a few days after he flies home, he wakes up one day to find that his manhood has turned five shades of green. Horrified, he schedules an emergency appointment with his doctor.
After running some tests, the doctor comes back in and says, "Well, I've never seen anything quite like this, but I'm afraid that the only option we have is to amputate."
"Amputate!" the man cries. "No way I'm agreeing to that! I'm getting a second opinion!"
So the man, figuring a Thai disease might be best diagnosed by a Thai doctor, finds a Thai urologist and schedules an appointment with him. The Thai doctor examines the member closely and says, "Hmmm. Worst case of this I ever see. What did American doctor tell you?"
"He told me he'd have to amputate."
The Thai doctor chuckles and shakes his head. "No, no, we no need to amputate."
"Oh, thank God!"
"Yeah," says the doctor, "two or three days, that thing fall off by itself."
A man tells his doctor that he isn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is complete, he says, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replies, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," says the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
A psychiatrist in an asylum is making his normal nightly rounds. He enters one patient's room to find the man calmly laying on his bed with his arms out in front of him, staring at his hands. Meanwhile, another patient is in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asks the first patient what he's doing.
"Oh, I'm just doing a little reading before I go to bed," the patient replies.
"And why is your friend hanging from the ceiling?" the doctor asks.
In a conspiratorial tone, the patient says, "Well, doc, don't tell him I said so, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
"Don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What?" the patient exclaims. "How do you expect me to read in the dark?"
An older couple are at home one evening having a nice quiet dinner together when the husband suddenly collapses on the floor clutching his chest in pain. The wife rushes to the phone and dials 911. When the emergency operator answers, she says, "Quick, I need to get an ambulance over here right away. I think my husband is having a heart attack!"
The voice on the other end says, "We're dispatching an ambulance now, ma'am. What's the address?"
The wife replies, "1852 Eucalyptus."
"Can you spell that?" asks the operator.
"No I can't. If you want, I can drag him over to Oak Street...."
A woman walks into a psychiatrist's office. "Doc, you have to help me," she says.
"What seems to be the problem?" the psychiatrist asks.
"It's my husband," the woman replies. "He got hit in the head a while ago, and ever since, he thinks he's a chicken!"
"You must confront the problem head on," the psychiatrist replies. "Tell him firmly that he is not, nor has he ever been, a chicken."
"I'd love to," the woman replies, "but we really need the eggs."
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a frog on his head.
The psychiatrist asks, "Can I help you?"
The frog says, "Yeah, doc, can you get this guy off my ass?"
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a frog on his head.
The psychiatrist asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
The frog replies, "Well, doc, would you believe this thing started out as a wart?"
A guy has been feeling down for so long that he finally decides to see a psychiatrist.
He arrives for his appointment, and lays on the couch spilling his guts while the psychiatrist takes notes. The doctor asks a few questions, scribbles down a few more notes, yhen sits thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
"Well, doc," the patient says, "what's wrong with me?"
The pychiatrist looks over his notepad and replies, "Um, I think your problem is probably low self esteem. It's very common among losers."
Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class.
"Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.
"Sadness," he replied.
"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.
"Elation," he replied.
"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."
A guy walks into adoctor's office and says loudly to the receptionist, "There's something wrong with my dick."
The receptionist looks up rather irritated and says, "Sir, you shouldn't come walking into this office and talking like that. It's embarrassing to everyone. If it's something that sensitive, you should say there's something wrong with your ear and then discuss things more privately with the doctor in his office."
"Okay, okay, sorry," the man grumbles. "Miss, I'm hear to see the doctor about my ear."
"Very well, what seems to be the trouble with your ear, sir?"
The man replies, "It hurts when I take a piss."