Marriage Jokes
A notoriously wealthy Texan has been pursuing a woman for some time, but the woman isn't interested. Finally, to fend him off, she tells him one day, "Okay, I'll marry you, but only on three conditions."
"What's that, darlin'?" he asks.
"First, you buy me the biggest diamond in the world. Second, you buy me the biggest ranch in Texas. Third, you give me 12 inches on my wedding night."
"That's it?" the Texan replies. "Done. I'll be in touch."
Sure enough, a week later the man shows up on her doorstep with a briefcase. He opens it to show a ring with a huge diamond and three documents. "All right, honey, I'm a man of my word. This here is the biggest diamond in the world, and I've got the paperwork to prove it. This next document is the deed to the largest ranch in Texas; it's all yours. And the last piece is a note from my doctor to certify that he'll cut my member down to whatever size suits you."
A newlywed couple is having their first home-cooked dinner following the honeymoon. The wife sets a plate in front of her husband and says, "There are two things my mom taught me to cook well—meatloaf and apple pie."
The husband takes a bite and asks, "So, which one is this?"
One morning as a couple is getting ready for work, the wife says to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answers. With that, they both leave the house.
At 11:00, a delivery man appears at the woman's desk with a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1:00, a foil-wrapped box of her favorite chocolates gets delivered to her. Later in the afternoon, a boutique delivers a designer dress.
When the wife comes home, the husband greets her at the door with a card and a great big kiss. "Thanks, dear!" she says with a smile. "The flowers, the candy, the dress...it's the best Groundhog Day I've ever had!"
A man comes home early from work one afternoon, walks into his bedroom, and finds his wife with another man in bed, both naked.
"Honey!" he cries. "What the hell are you two doing?"
His wife turns to the other man and says, "You see, I told you he was stupid."
A married couple is having dinner at a fine restaurant. The husband notices that his wife has been watching a drunken man at the bar.
"You've had your eye on that guy for a while," he says. "You know him?"
"Yes," she replies, "it's my ex-husband. Do you know he's been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago?"
"Remarkable," says the husband. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
A man enters a bar, sits down, and orders a double martini. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then asks the bartender for another. After he finishes that one, he peeks again inside his shirt pocket and orders up another.
The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long, but what's with the shirt pocket?"
The man pats his pocket and replies, "I always carry a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
Bob is on his deathbed, gasping pitifully, with his wife, Martha, at his bedside. In a weak whisper, he says,"Martha, I've got one last request."
"Of course, Bob, anything," Martha replies.
"Six months after I die," he says, "I want you to marry Joe."
"But I thought you hated Joe," she replies.
With his last breath, Bob says, "I do!"
A businessman concludes an out-of-town trip a day early and catches a flight home that night. Wanting to surprise his wife, he takes a taxi home. When the cab pulls up, he notices a car he doesn't recognize in his driveway.
"Hey, pal," he says to the cabbie, "I think my wife's got somebody on the side here, and I want a witness. I'll give you $100 if you come inside with me and help catch this guy in the act."
The cabbie agrees, and the two men quietly slip in the front door and head upstairs, tiptoeing into the bedroom. The husband turns on the light and yanks the blanket off the bed, revealing his wife and another man, both naked.
"Aha!" the husband cries. "Helen, I can't believe it! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't shoot the both of you right now!"
"Mike, don't!" his wife cries. "You know that money I told you I inherited? I lied. It was this man. He's been very generous to me. He gave me all that money. Our new car...the season tickets to the Bears...the lake house...he paid for all of it. I'm so ashamed!"
Mike shakes his head and looks at the cabbie. "Jesus, pal, what would you do?"
"What would I do?" the cabbie asks. "I'd cover his ass back up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"
A rich business man starts running into financial difficulties during a particularly bad recession. His wife, however, keeps spending. Finally, he decides he needs to have a talk about the finances.
"Honey," he says, "things are pretty tight right now. We have to start cutting back a little. I mean, if you knew how to cook, we could fire the chef. If you knew how to drive, we could fire the chauffeur."
"I see what you're saying," she replies. "If you knew how to fuck, we could fire the gardener."
Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Bob clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table.
To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Joe picks the short one.
"Break it to her gently," they all urge.
"Leave it to me," he says. When Bob's wife comes to the door, Joe says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"
A sixteen-year-old boy pulls into the driveway of his home in a brand new Porsche. His father meets him at the door and asks, "Just what in the hell are you doing driving that car, young man?"
The kid replies, "The lady who just moved in up the street sold it to me."
"Don't kid me," says his father. "I know how much those things are selling for, even used. Where did you get it?"
"Seriously, dad, the lady saw me walking by, asked me if I was old enough to drive, and sold me the car for a dollar on the spot."
"We'll just see about that! I'm going to have a talk with that woman."
The father storms up the street and finds the woman sitting calmly on her porch. "Miss, my boy just came home driving a Porsche and says you sold it to him for a dollar. Is that true?"
"It sure is. One dollar, cash."
"What gives, lady?"
The woman smiles and replies, "Well, this morning, I got a phone call from my husband. He was supposed to be on a business trip, but he's run off to Hawaii with his secretary. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money—and that's exactly what I'm doing."
Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs going at it on a lawn. One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Geez, I'd give anything to do it to my wife like that."
The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just feed her three martinis."
The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning. The single one asks the other, "Well, did you get her to do it?"
The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis."
"Six martinis! How come so many?"
"Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn."
A traveling salesman walks into a whorehouse, throws down $200, and tells the madam, "I want the worst blowjob in the house."
The madam looks confused and says to the man, "But sir, for this kind of money, you can get the best blowjob in the house."
The salesman says to the madam, "You don't understand. I'm not horny, I'm just homesick."
Bob's wife decides she wants to do something special to please him on his birthday, so she buys a pair of crotchless panties.
That night when he comes home from work, she lays sprawled on the couch spread-eagle. "Hi honey," she purrs sexily. "You want some of this?"
"Hell, no!" he cries. "My God, look at what it's done to your undies!"
A woman is in bed with her lover when her husband comes home early. "Oh my God," she cries on hearing the front door slam. "Quick, hide in the closet!"
The man grabs his clothes and dashes from the bed to the closet. After a few minutes, he hears another voice say quietly, "Sure is dark in here, isn't it?"
The man, shivering in the nude, asks, "Who's there?"
The little voice replies, "I have a baseball mitt. Wanna buy it for $150?"
"No thanks."
"That's my dad and mom outside, you know, and you aren't supposed to be here."
"All right, take it, but just keep quiet, kid."
He hands over the money, and at the appropriate time makes a quick dash out the window.
The following week, Junior comes home with a brand new set of roller blades. His mother asks, "Where did you get the money for those?"
"I can't tell you," he replies."
Convinced her son is up to no good, she hauls him down to the local church. "You're going to confession right now, young man. You'll have to tell the priest." They enter the church, and she pushes him into the confessional box and shuts the door.
There is a long silence, then the window slides open and a man's voice says, "Can I help you my son?"
"Sure is dark in here, isn't it?"
The priest replies, "Now don't start that shit again in here!"
A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my doctor told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replies.
"What a coincidence," she says.
An elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary with their seven sons. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Mabel, there's something I gotta ask you. It's always bothered me that the middle kid looks different from all the other boys. It's been a great fifty years, and nothing's going to change that. But you gotta tell the truth; did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, pauses, and then confesses quietly, "Yes, he did."
The huband nods and says, "All right, then. Well, who was the father?"
The wife pauses again before answering, "You."
A young man and an old man collide shopping carts at the local Home Depot.
"I'm terribly sorry," the old man says. "I'm looking for my wife wasn't paying enough attention to where I was going."
"That's okay, sir," the younger man replies. "Kind of a coincidence, but I seem to have lost my wife, too."
The old man says, "Well, maybe we can team up and help each other out. What does your wife look like?"
"She's 28, tall, red hair, green eyes. She's got really big boobs and she's wearing a halter top and white short shorts. What about your wife?"
The old man shrugs. "Doesn't matter—now let's see if we can find yours."
Joe and Bob are enjoying some drinks at the local bar. After a few rounds, Joe asks Bob, "Hey, Bob, would you get turned on by a woman with a little mustache?"
"Hell no, Joe, that wouldn't turn me on."
"What about a woman who doesn't shave her pits, huh? Would that do it for you?"
"Joe, Christ, what are you talking about? That's a big turnoff, man."
"Okay, how about a woman who never shaves her legs?"
"Man, that's bad, Joe. I don't know if I could stand that."
Joe takes another drink and says, "Okay, wise guy, if all that's true, then why the hell are you screwing my wife?"
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
A couple is lying in bed. The huband says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The wife replies, "I'll miss you."
A nurse is bathing a female patient who has been in a coma for many months when she notices a reaction upon placing a sponge between the patient's legs. When the doctor is notified, he calls the husband and asks him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival, the doctor explains that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggests that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition.
The husband agrees. About 15 minutes later, however, the husband comes out of her room crying.
"Doctor," he sobs, "my wife's dead!"
"She was stable! How did it happen?" asks the doctor.
The husband shakes his head. "I think she choked to death."
A man comes home earlier than expected from work and hears his wife yelling. He runs up the stairs and finds her in bed naked and clutching her chest.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I think...I'm having...a heart attack...." she gasps.
"I'll call 911!" he cries. As he's reaching for the phone, the couple's two children come running in.
"Daddy, daddy!" they yell. "There's a naked man in the hall closet!"
The man rushes to the closet and throws open the door to reveal his next door neighbor, buck naked.
"Fred, I can't believe this!" he yells. "My wife could be having a heart attack, and here you are running around scaring the kids!"
On Joe's wedding night, he sat down with Sue, his new bride, and laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want—and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect dinner to be on the table at 6 o'clock every night unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
Sue replied, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at 8 o'clock every night—whether you're here or not."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!"
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
A woman is having a passionate affair. One afternoon, however, as the woman and her paramour are carrying on in the bedroom together, her husband arrives home unexpectedly.
"Quick," says the woman, "into the closet!" And she shoves him stark naked into the closet.
The husband is suspicious, though, and after a search of the bedroom discovers the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asks.
Thinking quickly, the man says, "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone."
"An exterminator? All right, then, what are you doing in there?"
"Your wife called us. I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replies.
"And where are your clothes?"
The man looks down at himself with feigned surprise and says, "Those little bastards."
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
An older woman commissions an artist to paint her portrait. The artist arranges a date and time to meet her at her home.
When he arrives, the woman tells the artist, "I want a classic pose, something very elegant. Also, I want you to be sure to paint me with three-carat diamond earrings, a beautiful ruby necklace, a large silver and diamond brooch, and matching emerald bracelets."
"Well, madam, you'll need to be wearing all that when you pose for me to accurately capture everything."
"Oh, I don't own anything like that. Just make it convincing."
The artist shrugs. "I'll do my best, but I don't understand."
"It's a parting gift. You see, my health is failing, and my husband has been sleeping with his secretary for years. He'll probably marry her after I'm gone. When he does, I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
A man and woman get married. When they get to their house, the man sits her down on the sofa and says, "We're going to have a talk about how things are going to be in this household."
"What do you mean?" his new wife asks.
"I mean that I am the man of this house," he says, pointing a finger in her face. "From this point on, what I say is law around here. When I get home after work, I expect a stiff drink and a good meal on the table. Then I expect you to draw me a nice, warm bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, you want to guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair for me?"
"Ooh, I know," his wife replies. "The fucking funeral director."
A woman is driving home from a business trip in Northern Arizona when she sees an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. She pulls over and asks the Navajo woman if she'd like a ride. The Navajo agrees and thanks her, getting into in the car.
After a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman notices a brown bag on the seat next to her. "What's in the bag?" she asks.
The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman nods and says, "Good trade."
A man gets released from prison after doing a seven-year sentence. His wife meets him at the gate with their young son to pick him up. The three of them get into the car and drive off.
After a few minutes of riding, the man looks at his wife and says, "F.F."
The wife shakes her head and says, "E.F."
As they pull onto the highway, the man repeats, "F.F."
The wife shakes her head and says, "E.F."
"F.F."
"E.F."
The son yells from the back seat, "Mom! Dad! What's going on?"
The man turns and says, "Oh, it's nothing, son. When we get home, your mother wants to eat first."
An escaped convict breaks into a house and ties up the couple in the bedroom. As soon as he has a chance, the husband turns to his wife in the skimpy nightgown and says "Honey this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just do whatever he wants. If he wants to have sex, you just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
The wife whispers back, "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just whispered to me that you have a nice ass."
A woman got invited out for a night with the girls. She promised her husband that she would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m. she finally headed for home.
Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another nine times before coming to bed. Everything seemed fine; the next morning, when the husband asked what time she got in, she said, "Midnight."
The husband simply shrugged and said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
"Why?" she asked.
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh shit,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a six-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy,explains to them how it works. "We have six stories, including the lobby," he says. "Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. To help you, each floor has a sign telling you what's on it."
They get on the elevator and start going up. When the doors open on the second floor, they see a sign reading, "All the men here are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the third floor reads, "All the men here short and attractive." The friends shrug and continue on up.
They reach the fourth floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here are tall and attractive." Still wanting to do better, they continued up.
On the fifth floor, the sign reads: "All the men here are tall, attractive, and wealthy." The women are now excited, but after some discussion, the ladies all decide to take the elevator up to the last floor to see what awaits them there.
The elevator doors open, and the ladies find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."