Lawyer Jokes—Extended
An architect, a doctor, and a lawyer are arguing about who has the smartest dog. They decide to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together to see whose could perform the most impressive feat.
"Okay, Rover," says the architect. His dog trots over to a table and in 10 minutes constructs a scale model of a split-level doghouse out of toothpicks. The architect says, "Good boy, Rover!" and gives the dog a cookie.
"Hit it, Spot," commands the doctor. Spot fetches a pregnant female poodle and performs an emergency Caesarian section on her, delivering a healthy litter of pups. "Good boy, Spot," the doctor says, and he gives him a cookie.
"That's pretty good," the lawyer says, "but wait till you see what Fido can do. Go get 'em, boy!"
And with that, Fido fucks the other two dogs, takes both their cookies, and goes out to lunch.
A lawyer and a doctor meet at a bar one evening after work. "I come here to relax and unwind, but people are always asking me for advice," the doctor complains. "Do you get that a lot?"
"Not anymore," replies the lawyer, "Listen, the next time you're asked for advice, bill them for it. Works like a charm."
"Hey, that's a great idea. I appreciate it."
"No problem, buddy," the lawyer replies. "That'll be ninety bucks."
A man calls a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for answering three simple questions?"
"Nine hundred dollars," the lawyer replies.
"Nine hundred dollars!" the man exclaimed. "That’s a lot, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"
A layer is working late one night on a difficult case when Satan appears before him in a puff of brimstone. Satan offers him on the spot to help with the case and make him the wealthiest, most powerful lawyer in the country.
"Right," says the lawyer, "and all I have to do is sell you my soul."
"Hah, you're wrong!" says Satan. "In turn for my help, I ask to damn to eternal suffering the souls of your wife and two young children!"
The lawyer leans back, thinks for a moment, and says, "All right, but where's the catch?"
A father in a diner calls out frantically, "Somebody help! My son's swallowed a quarter, and he's choking on it!"
An attractive woman in a blue business suit is sipping coffee at the next table. She stands up, strolls over and tells the boy to stand. She then drops his pants, takes hold of his testicles, and squeezes them firmly until the boy convulses and coughs up the quarter. The woman snatches the coin out of the air with her free hand and flips it to the father.
After checking his son over, the father shakes the woman's hand and says, "Thank you so much! That was fantastic! I've never seen anything like it. Are you a doctor?"
"No," she replies. "Divorce attorney."
The defense attorney in a murder trial, cross-examining the coroner, asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
"No," the coroner replies.
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?"
"No."
"Did you check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken any steps to determine whether the alleged victim was dead, had you?"
The coroner leans forward and says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
A defense attorney is cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. The attorney asks the policeman, "Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
"No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away."
"Officer, who provided this description?"
"The officer who responded to the scene."
"A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
"Yes sir, with my life."
"With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer—in the locker room of your police station, do you keep a lock on your locker?"
"Yes sir."
"So why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?"
The cop smiles and replies, "Well, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
Bob the lawyer gets up from his table at the restaurant to visit the men's room. On his way back, he stops at the table of an older woman. "Excuse me," he says, "but did I happen to step on your foot a couple of minutes ago?"
"As a matter of fact, you did," the woman replies frostily.
"Great! Then that's my table over there."
A elderly man and wife are leaving the cemetary after a funeral when the old man spots a gravestone engraved HERE LIES AN HONEST MAN AND LAWYER.
"Would you look at that, Mabel," the old man says. "Things are so tight here that they've gone to putting them two to a grave."
Joe is talking to his lawyer over a three-martini lunch. "I want to get a birthday present for my rich old uncle," he says between sips, "but I don't know anything that he'd enjoy. The poor old guy can hardly get around anymore, his eyesight's bad, he's got tremors, and he's not real steady on his feet. I don't know, have you got any suggestions?"
The lawyer leans back, drinks from his martini, and says, "Have you given any thought to a nice can of floor wax?"
A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"
Following a heated exchange between attorneys at a trial, the judge calls a recess and demands to see the two lawyers in his chambers.
"Your Honor," says Smith, "I objected because the DA was badgering my witness. It's obvious he's never even heard of the Bill of Rights!"
"Nonsense!" DA Adams replies. "I happen to know them by heart!"
Smith replies, "Really? Put your money where your mouth is, counselor. I've got a nice, new $100 bill that says you can't even tell me how it begins!"
The judge starts to intervene, but Adams shrugs him off. "No, Your Honor, I'd be happy to take this man's money," he says. "I pledge allegiance to the flag...."
"Damn," Smith growls, fishing for his wallet. "I didn't think you'd actually know it."
Stan the lawyer lies dying, with Bob, his partner of 40 years, by his bedside. "Bob," the dying man gasps, "I've got a few confessions to make to you. I'm the one who told your clients you were double billing them. I'm the one who had that affair with your wife twenty years ago. On top of that, I'm the one who's been stealing from the firm for the past decade."
"Stan, it's all water under the bridge now," says Bob. "Besides, I've got a confession to make to you; I'm the one who slipped arsenic in your vodka tonics."
Two buddies are talking over drinks at a bar. One of them says, "I got in an accident last week, and this guy's gonna sue. You know any good lawyers?"
"Lawyers," his friend snorts. "Man, all lawyers are assholes."
A guy at the end of the bar chirps up. "Listen, pal, I resent that."
The friend says, "Oh, are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an asshole."
Two law partners, Ed and Joe, are driving through the country one evening during a vacation when their car breaks down near a farmhouse. The two men head over to the house and knock on the door. An attractive lady dressed in black opens the door and asks, "Can I help you?"
Ed says, "Listen, our car broke down near here, and it's getting late, and, well, we were wondering if you could put us up for the night?"
The lady shook her head. "I don't think so. You see, I'm recently a widow, and it just wouldn't seem proper. What would my neighbors say?"
"Look," says Joe, "We won't cause you any trouble. We could sleep in your barn."
The lady agrees, and the two men spend the night in her barn.
Nine months later, Ed gets a letter at their firm from another lawyer. He reads the letter, then goes immediately into Joe's office next door.
"Joe, do you remember that widow we met nine months ago?"
"Yeah."
"I've got a letter here from her attorney. Just out of curiosity, that night we slept in the barn, did you get up in the middle of the night and make a little visit to the farmhouse?"
"Um, yeah," says Joe, turning a little red.
"You didn't happen to get a little intimate with the widow, did you?"
"Well, yes."
"And did you use my name, by chance?"
Joe blushes beet red and says, "Yeah, Ed, I did."
Ed smiles. "Cool. She died last month and left me the farm."
A lawyer was interviewing for a corporate legal position. The personnel director looks up from the lawyer's resume and says, "Your credentials are pretty impressive. But I've seen all kinds of credentials. Tell me something—are you an honest attorney?"
"Honest?" the lawyer replies. "Let me tell you what kind of attorney I am. My father lent me twenty thousand dollars for law school. I paid him back in full, every cent, after my very first case."
The personnel director nods approvingly. "That is impressive. What was the case?"
"He sued me for the money."
When the CEO of a company gets arrested for embezzlement, he makes a frantic phone call to his lawyer. The lawyer meets him in the police station.
"Listen," the CEO says, "I've got at least two million stashed in a Caymans account. Can you get me out of this?"
"Believe me," the lawyer says, "there is no way you're going to prison with that kind of money."
True to his word, the lawyer made sure that ten months later, the CEO went to prison flat broke.
A lawyer goes off for a weekend conference. When he returns earlier than expected, he comes home to find his wife in bed with his law partner.
He drops his bags in surprise and exclaims, "Fred! I'm married to her, so I have to. But you?"
A lawyer and his wife are having a drink in a cocktail lounge when a woman approaches their table wearing a slinky, low-cut red dress and spike heels. The woman leans in close to the lawyer, whispers something in his ear, and leaves with a smile.
When the wife gives him an icy stare, the lawyer says, "Oh, darling, I know her professionally."
"Which one?" his wife asks. "Yours or hers?"
A big-city lawyer is representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull has gone missing from the section through which the railroad passes. The rancher claims that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wants to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case is scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher shows up, the attorney for the railroad pulls him aside and tries to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer makes his best sales pitch, and finally the rancher agrees to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher signs the release and takes the check, the young lawyer can't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replies, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that dang bull came home this morning."