Lawyer Jokes—Q & A
Q: Did you hear about the lawyer who was too big for his coffin?
A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Q: Did you hear about the terrorists who hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.
Q: How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
A: When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: About a one in three million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: Something that gives you a blow job until it draws blood.
Q: What do you throw a lawyer when he is drowning?
A: His partner.
Q: What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What's the difference between a carp and a lawyer?
A: One's a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger. The other is a fish.
Q: What's the difference between a cat and a lawyer?
A: One's an arrogant creature that will ignore you contemptuously unless it thinks can get something out of you. The other is a house pet.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A: A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you're dead.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The diphthong.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Wings.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The vulture doesn't get frequent flyer miles.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a wheelbarrow full of shit?
A: The wheelbarrow.
Q: What's the ideal weight for a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.
Q: Why did God create snakes before creating lawyers?
A: Practice.
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.
Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers from having sex with their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q: Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
A: Even hyenas have their dignity.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: You're in a cave with two bears, a lawyer, and a gun with only two bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.