Elderly Jokes
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
So Stan and Irv were talking, and Irv says, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. You gotta try it, Stan."
Stan asks, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
Irv knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says, "Hey, Stan, what's the name of that red flower you give to somebody?"
"A carnation?"
"No, no, the other one," Irv says.
"Tulip?"
"No."
"Poppy?"
"Nahhhh," Irv says, "you know, the one with the thorns."
Stan says, "You mean a rose?"
"Yeah, that's it. Thanks!" Irv says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age." The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants," she says.
He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She takes his privates in hand, feels them for a minute or so, and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."
An elderly couple are driving across the country. The woman is driving when she gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer says, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman asks her, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband once again. "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gives the officer her license. The patrolman looks it over and says with a smile to the old man, "Tallahassee, Florida, huh? I had a blind date once with a gal from there. Worst piece of ass I've ever had."
The woman turns to her husband. "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!"
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Easy," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?"
The doctor says, "Well, try to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. That way we can see how bad the problem is."
The man goes home, sees his wife and says, "Hi, honey, what's for dinner?"
He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still, no answer.
He repeats this several times, until he's standing right next to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"For the tenth time," she answers, "I said we're having pot roast!"
A man tells his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answers the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve-thirty."
An elderly woman goes to her doctor for a checkup. After running some tests, the doctor recommends more cardiovascular exercise.
"Oh, I'm an old woman," she protests. "I haven't been able to get that much exercise for years."
The doctor says, "It's not as difficult as you might think. For instance, if you and your husband had sex three times a week, you'd be amazed how much that could help."
The woman blushed. "Oh, I can't tell him something like that, it's embarrassing. Can you talk to him?"
"Sure thing." The doctor goes out into the waiting room and finds the woman's husband. "Sir, I've been talking with your wife about getting more cardiovascular exercise, and I'm recommending that she have sexual activity three days a week."
"Which days?" askes the husband.
"Well," the doctor says, "I'd suppose Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal."
To which the husband says, "I can bring her on Monday, but Wednesdays and Fridays I golf, so she's going to have to take the bus."
An old man walking along the beach happens upon a beautiful young woman in a bikini. "Young lady," he says, "those are the most perfect breasts I've ever seen. would you let me feel them for $500?"
The lady eyes him suspiciously, but says, "For $500? All right, old man, but only for a minute."
She loosens her bikini top, and the old man slides his hands in and starts moaning, "Oh, my God...oh, my God!"
"Take it easy, old man," she says.
"Oh, my God...oh, my God...where am I ever going to get $500! Oh, my God!"
A boy is riding in an elevator with an old man when he notices a pretty bad smell. Wrinkling his nose, the boy tugs at the old man's pants and aks, "Excuse me, mister, but did you just fart?"
"Of course I did, sonny," the old man snaps. "You think I always smell like this?"
Grandpa and Grandma are sitting on the porch, when all of a sudden Grandpa slaps Grandma.
"That's for 50 years of the worst sex I've ever had," he says.
They're both silent for ten minutes. Then Grandma slaps Grandpa.
"That's for knowin' the difference!" she snaps back.
A guy buys a ticket to the season opener at Lambeau Field. Of course, the game is sold out and it's standing room only. Way down near the fifty yard line, he spots an elderly gentleman with an empty seat beside him. The guy decides to take a chance and wanders down the aisle.
"Excuse me," he says to the old man, "but I couldn't help noticing you have an empty seat here, and I was just wondering if it was taken."
The elderly man starts to cry. "I'm sorry, sonny. My wife and I have had season tickets to the Packers for thirty years, and we never missed a game. But now she's gone, and I'm keeping this seat out of respect for her."
The guy, a little ashamed, says, "I'm terribly sorry. But it seems like you shouldn't be alone. What about all your friends? Couldn't you go to the game with one of them?"
"It just wouldn't be the same," the old man replies. "Besides, they're all at the funeral, anyway."
Sam and Mildred, an elderly couple, go out driving one Sunday. Mildred is at the wheel, although she can barely see over the dashboard.
As they are cruising along, they get to an intersection. The stoplight is red, but Mildred goes on through.
Sam thinks to himself, "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they come to another red light at an intersection, and again they whiz right though it. Sam, now nervous, decides to pay very close attention at the next intersection to see if it's his imagination.
When they get to the next intersection, Sam sees that the light is definitely red, and Mildred continues right through the intersection without as much as a tap on her brakes. Sam yells at her, "Mildred! Don't you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turns to him and says, "Holy shit, Sam, am I driving?"
The old man runs into his doctor's office. "Doc!" he cries, "you've got to help me! I'm losing my memory!"
"Okay, okay, calm down," the doctor says. "When did this start to happen?"
"When did what start to happen?"
Joe and Bob have been managers at the local plant for going on twenty-five years. One day, as Joe and Bob are enjoying an after-work drink at the tavern, Joe says, "You know, Bob, last night the wife and I made it three times."
"Are you kidding?" Bob says. "At our age, me and the wife are lucky to make it three times in a month. What's the deal?"
Joe grins and replies, "I read something in this book a couple of weeks ago and thought I'd try it. You make love, then you take a little ten-minute nap. Then you try it again. I'm telling you, it works like a charm!"
Bob nods thoughtfully and says, "I'm going to give that a try myself." That night, he makes love to his wife and takes a nap. When he wakes up, he and the wife make love again; he takes another nap. He wakes up, and they make love again. Satiated, the man goes to sleep for the night.
Bob wakes up with the alarm clock blaring. The clock shows that he's going to be twenty minutes late for work. In a rush, Bob throws on some clothes and hurries to catch the bus. When the bus drops him off in front of the plant, Bob's boss is at the gate, fuming.
"Bob," his boss growls, "you're fired!"
"Fired?" Bob replies. "Look, boss, I'm sorry. I've been working here twenty-five years without being late once all this time. Now you're going to fire me after all that for being twenty minutes late once?"
"Twenty minutes?" his boss exclaims. "Where were you Tuesday? Where were you Wednesday?"
An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some tests. When the results come in, the doctor calls the old man in and says, "You'd better sit down. It's pretty bad."
The old man, naturally, gets all nervous and asks, "What is it doc? Don't hold back—just give it to me straight."
"Well," says the doctor, "you have cancer and you have Alzheimers."
The man replies, "Wow. Well, at least I don't have cancer."
Bob and Mabel are sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. Bob looks over at Mabel and says, "I know just what you're wanting, and for five dollars, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
Mabel looks a little surprised, but doesn't say a word.
Bob continues, "For ten dollars, I'll do it with you on that nice, soft sofa over there."
Mabel still doesn't say anything.
Bob says, "Okay, for twenty dollars, I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
Mabel leans back and thinks for a couple of minutes, then starts digging around in her purse. She fishes out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" Bob asks with a leer.
"Get serious," Mabel snaps. "I want it four times in the rocking chair!"
The census taker is driving out in the boondocks of Arkansas on assignment and pulls up in front of a small farm. He approaches an old farmer rocking in his chair on the porch.
"What are ye sellin', sonny?" the farmer asks.
"I'm not selling anything," the census taker replies. "I'm here to ask you some questions for the census."
"The what?"
"The census. We're trying to find out exactly how many people live in the United States."
"Then you're wastin' yer time comin' here, son. I ain't got the faintest idea."
An old woman lay on her deathbed as she asked her husband, "Have you ever cheated on me? It's all over, so just tell me."
He answers "No, never. I've always loved you, honey. But what about you? You can tell me, it's all right."
"Well, remember that time you got fired and then rehired? Well, I visited your boss and traded favors."
"Is that all?" he asks.
"Well, then there was that time you wanted a raise and your boss refused. I paid a visit to the company president that time and traded favors."
"Please tell me that's all," says her husband.
"Well, there was just one more time," his wife replies.
"One more? I suppose that's not so bad. What happened?"
"Do you remember when you ran for town legislator and you were 150 votes short?"
An old man lay on his deathbed with his wife by his side. He whispers to her, "Mabel, I can't believe it's almost over, and here you are, right by my side as always."
She says, "I've always been there for you, dear."
He nods. "When I lost the business and went bankrupt, you were there. When the bank foreclosed on our house, you were there. When the government came after me for ten years' worth of back taxes, you were there. When the doctor told me I had six months to live, you were there. Hey, Mabel, you know something?"
"What?"
"I've been giving it some thought here, and you're a goddamn jinx!"
Sam and Dave have been friends for forty years. One night at dinner, they get to talking about their problems. "You know," says Dave, "the worst thing about getting older is I just can't seem to keep it up like I used to. I can't tell you the last time the wife and I were able to get intimate."
Sam says, "Dave, I've got just the trick for you. Right before I hop into bed, I pull it out and bang it against the bedpost three times; WHAP, WHAP, WHAP! I'm telling you, it stays hard all night."
Dave says, "Thanks, Sam! I'm going to try that when I get home!"
So the two men keep talking and have a few drinks; Dave gets home a little late. His wife is already in bed with the lights out. Dave chuckles to himself, gets undressed, and before he gets into bed, he bangs his member against the bedpost, WHAP, WHAP, WHAP!
His wife stirs groggily and asks, "Is that you, Sam?"
A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself.
The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.
Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here."
The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"
The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."
An old man goes to a doctor in town for his first physical. When the doctor asks him how old he is, the old man replies, "Oh, about 80, I reckon."
The doctor looks at him skeptically. "That can't be right. You don't look a day over 50."
"Well," the old man replies, "I come from a long-lived family. That's on account of our turkey hunting. Every morning, my father and I get up at four o'clock in the morning, get the rifles, and go hunting for wild turkey. It's a hard morning's work to be sure, but it keeps us in great shape."
"Wait a minute," the doctor says, "your father and you? How old is your father?"
"Well, let's see now, I reckon he's about 100 or thereabouts. Still gets up and hunts them turkey, just like my grandpappy."
"And how old was your grandfather when he died?"
"Oh, he ain't dead," the old man says with a chuckle. "He just turned 125 this month past."
Now the doctor raises an eyebrow. "Really? And I suppose he was up at four o'clock this morning hunting turkeys, too?"
"Nope. He's getting married today."
The doctor gapes at him. "Pardon my asking, but why the heck would a 125 year old man want to get married?"
The old man says, "Who says he wanted to?"
An eighty-year-old woman pays a visit to the doctor. When the doctor asks her what the problem is, she says, "Well, doc, it's actually my husband. I think he's losing his potentency."
The doctor sits with the lady and says, "You know, as the body ages, it's completely natural for some functions to slow down or stop entirely. That's especially true of sex; most men suffer a decrease in potency as they get older. Now, when did you first start to notice the problem?"
"Well, doctor," the old woman says with a blush, "I started to notice it a little last night, but what really worries me is that I noticed it again this morning."
Bob and Joe have been playing golf together for thirty years until Bob's eyesight starts to decline. Joe talks Bob into playing their first round of golf in a year when he tells him, "Look, my eyesight's still good. I'll watch your ball for you when you hit it so we can still play."
So Bob and Joe get their clubs and take off to the country club. Bob steps up to the first tee and drives it right down the fairway. He turns to Joe and says, "Okay, Joe, did you see it?"
"Sure did. That was some drive, Bob!"
"Well, where did it go?" Bob asks.
Joe thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember."
An 80-year-old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I've got a 20-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then says, "I have an older friend, much like you, who's an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang.' Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old says, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replies, "My point exactly."
A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch, and he's playing with himself!"
"Can you repeat that, ma'am?" the operator asks.
"I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself, and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeats.
"Ma'am," the operator replies, "we'll dispatch a unit to your place as soon as possible, but how do you know he's a Democrat?"
"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"