Drunk Jokes
A guy, obviously drunk, walks into a bar. He slowly hauls himself onto a stool and says, "Bartender, how 'bout a drink over here?"
The bartender politely replies, "Sorry, pal, you look like you've had a bit too much already. Can I call you a cab?"
The drunk is briefly surprised, then grumbles, "You got a lot of nerve, man. I don't have to stay here and take that."
With that, he climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles into the bar again. He wobbles up to the bar and says, "Hey, bartender, I want a drink over here!"
The bartender comes over and says a little more firmly, "Hey, mac, I'm telling you you've been overserved. Let me call you a cab to take you home."
The drunk shakes his head angrily, curses, and staggers back out the door, grumbling all the while.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in again. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and says loudly, "Bartender! I need a drink over here!"
The bartender comes over and says angrily, "Listen up, buddy, this is the last time I'm going to tell you. You're drunk already, and I'm not serving you. Now, I can either call you a cab, or I can call the cops. Which is it going to be?"
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender for a moment, recognizes him, and cries, "Jesus, dude, how many bars do you work at?"
A drunk walks up to the only woman in a bar and attempts to kiss her. The woman slaps him so hard that he falls over. Picking himself up, the drunk looks her over closely and says, "Oh, geez, lady, I'm sorry. You're a dead ringer for my wife—I thought you were her."
Angrily, the woman replies, "What kind of woman would marry a miserable, worthless drunk like you?"
"My God," the man says with widening eyes. "You even sound just like her, too!"
A guy in a bar sees another guy laying sprawled-out drunk on the floor. Deciding to be a good Samaritan, he gets the drunk's address from the bartender and offers to take him home.
He picks the drunk off the floor and starts ushering him toward the parking lot. On the way to the car, the guy falls down three times. The man gets him in the car and drives to the drunk's home. He gets him out of the car, and the drunk falls down four more times on their way to the front door. Propping the drunk up beside the door, the man rings the bell. The drunk's wife answers.
"Hi, ma'am. Your husband got really drunk at the bar, so I brought him back home for you."
"Thanks," the wife replies. Then, glancing around, she asks, "Wait a second...where's his wheelchair?"
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate.
Knocking on the door, he yells, "What's going on in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something starts squeezing the hell out of my nuts!"
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! Get off the mop bucket!"
A Scotsman stumbles up to another patron in a bar and asks if he can buy him a drink.
"Why of course," the other man replies.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Aberdeen", replies the second man.
"You don't say! I'm from Aberdeen, too! Let's have another round to Aberdeen!"
"Of course," replies the second man. "To Aberdeen!"
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where about in Aberdeen?"
"Ferryhill," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I grew up in Ferryhill! Let's have another drink to that!"
"To Ferryhill!" replies the second man with a clink of his glass.
The first man asks, "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Andrews," replies the second man. "I graduated in '68."
"Unbelievable!" the first man replies. "I'm Saint Andrews, class of '68, too!"
At that, one of the regulars at the bar rolls his eyes and summons the bartender. "Angus," he says, "You better call for a cab. The McAllister twins are drunk again."
Paddy Murphy comes limping into his favorite pub, looking like he's been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, and he's got two black eyes.
"Paddy, what the hell happened to you?" asks the bartender.
"Jamie O'Malley and me had a bit of a fight," Paddy replies. "He was comin' home from work, shovel in hand, and a terrible lickin' he gave with it, I tell you."
"Well, now," says the bartender, "You should have defended yourself with whatever was at hand!"
"There was only one thing I had at hand," Paddy replies. "Mrs. O'Malley's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
A man walks into a bar one early evening in Boston and in an Irish brogue, orders three shots of Jamesons. When the bartender brings them over, the man sings a verse of the Irish national anthem and quickly downs all three shots. He then thanks the bartender and leaves without another word.
The next day, at the same time, the man enters the bar and repeats the performance. This goes on for a couple of weeks when curiosity gets the better of the bartender.
"Say, buddy," the bartender says one evening as he's pouring the shots, "I can't help but ask. What's with the three shots and the singing?"
The man laughs and replies, "Oh, well now, there's three of us brothers in our family, don't you know. My older brother moved to Chicago many years ago, I came to Boston a few years after that, and my younger brother still lives back home in Dublin. As you can imagine, we don't have much chance to get together these days. So we decided that we'd all go to a bar at the same time wherever we are and have a drink together, one for each of us."
"That's really touching," the bartender replies with a smile. And the man downs his three shots, sings the anthem, and leaves.
After a few months of this ritual, one day the man comes in at his usual time and orders only two shots of Jamesons. He downs both, sings the anthem, and leaves without a word. This continues the same way for a few more weeks.
Finally, one evening, the bartender can't help but ask a little awkwardly as he's pouring the two shots, "Listen, buddy, I don't want to pry, but...well, you told me about drinking with your brothers, and lately, you're only ordering two shots. Did something happen to one of your brothers?"
Seeing the concern on the bartender's face, the man claps him on the shoulder and laughs. "Oh, no, boyo! It's nothing like that. I just quit drinking last month!"
A guy is drinking quietly with his buddies when an older gentleman stumbles over to their table.
"Hey, you," the man slurs, "I screwed your mother last month."
The guys's friends all expect a fight, but he ignores him and keeps drinking his beer. The older man refuses to leave, though, and says, "As a matter of fact, I screwed your mother last week, too."
Still, the younger man does nothing. The older man leans in close and says, "You know what? After I get out of here, I'm going to screw your mother tonight!"
Finally, the guy stands up and yells, "Go home already, Dad; you're drunk again!"