Animal Jokes
Q: What's a woodpecker's favorite kind of joke?
A: Knock-knock.
Q: Why did the turtle go to the therapist?
A: He wanted to come out of his shell.
Q: What's an owl's favorite kind of story?
A: A whooo-dunit.
Q: Where does a cat go when he's lost his tail?
A: A retail store.
Q: Where does no dog want to shop?
A: The flea market.
Q: Why do clams have a hard time sharing?
A: Because they're shellfish.
Q: Did you hear about the dog that ate a whole clove of garlic?
A: His bark was much worse than his bite.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Really big holes all over Australia.
Q: Where do fish like to go on vacation?
A: Finland.
Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert?
A: Lost.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: The tame way. Unique up on it.
Q: What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
A: Elk-a-seltzer.
Q: How do you fix a broken chimp?
A: With a monkey wrench.
Q: What do llamas like to eat?
A: Llama beans.
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49."
The duck replies, "Put it on my bill!"
A duck walks into the bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"
The duck replies, "Give me a beer."
"Will that be cash or credit card?"
The duck answers, "Just put it on my bill."
A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a beer."
The bartender says, "Hey, where did you come from?"
"I'm working the construction site across the street."
"Why the heck are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?"
The duck replies, "What would the circus want with a brick-laying duck?"
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him no, and the duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck comes in again. "Got any grapes?"
The bartender replies, "No! This is a bar; we don't have any grapes! And if you ask for grapes again, I'm gonna nail your stupid duck bill to the bar!" The duck shrugs and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns. He's silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says, "No."
"So...got any grapes?"
Two goats wander into the junkyard and have a field day, eating anything and everything in sight. The first goat spends a particularly long time hunched over an old film reel. When he finishes, the second goat comes over and asks, "So, did you enjoy the film?"
To which the first goat replies, "To tell the truth, I liked the book better."
A chicken walks into a restaurant. The hostess says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve poultry in here."
The chicken replies, "That's okay—I just want an ice tea."
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer ............ and some of those peanuts."
The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?"
A man walking his dog stops next to another man at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to change. He says, "Hey, buddy, you want to buy a talking dog? I'll sell him to you right now for five bucks."
"Yeah, right. That dog can't talk."
The dog says, "Please take me. This man abuses me and never feeds me. I used to perform for kings, and now I'm stuck with him."
The second man is completely taken aback. "Wow! Why would you ever want to sell a dog like this for only five dollars?"
"I'm tired of his lies."
Two cowboys are talking. "I got two new horses, Jeb, but dang if I can tell 'em apart."
Jeb scratches his chin whiskers and says, "I tell you what you do. You measure them two horses and brand the one who's bigger."
The next day, Jeb spots his friend at the general store. "Did you measure them horses like I said?"
"I sure did. That was a dang good idea, Jeb. You know, that black one was a full six inches taller than the white one!"
Two buffalo are grazing out on the prairie when a cowboy rides up on his horse. Looking at the two of them, the cowboy spits and says disgustedly, "I'll be danged if you two ain't the ugliest, scruffiest buffalo I've ever seen out on this range. Y'all ain't ever gonna amount to nothing."
With that, the cowboy turns and rides off. One buffalo looks at the other and says, "You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word."
Two guys are on a nature hike through the woods. Suddenly, they round a bend and spot a bear in their path. The bear sees them and rears up on his hind legs with a loud roar. The first guy calmly sets down his backpack, pulls out a pair of sneakers, and starts unlacing his hiking boots.
"Are you out of your mind?" the second guy asks. "You can't outrun that bear."
The first guy replies, "I don't have to worry about outrunning the bear."
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?"
The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."
A guy walks into a bar with his mule. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey, you can't bring that jackass in here!"
Indignant, the guy replies, "He's not a jackass, he's a mule!"
The bartender replies, "I was talking to the mule."
A woman walks into a bar carrying her pet Yorkshire terrier. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey, you can't bring that pig in here!"
The woman replies huffily, "He's not a pig, he's a dog!"
The bartender replies, "I was talking to the dog."
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil pressure light has turned on. He pulls into the first gas station he sees and asks the mechanic to take a look at it.
"It'll be about an hour," the mechanic says.
So the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"Oh, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"
The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
A pair of cows are talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
A snake had the misfortune to be born blind, and though he managed to forage successfully, he was very lonely. So he was delighted one day to make the acquaintance of a young bunny rabbit who was also blind, and the rabbit offered to be his friend.
They got together nearly every day, and finally the snake mustered up the courage to ask his friend a question. "We've become best friends, and yet I have no idea what you look like," he said. "Would you mind if I coiled myself around you very gently so we could get an image of one another?"
"Not at all," replied the rabbit, and the snake coiled around him.
"Why, you are soft and furry, with long ears, a twitchy nose, and a little powder puff tail. Could it be that you are a bunny rabbit?
"I must be!" the rabbit replied. "And you...you are cold and slimy and covered in scales, and you have no balls."
"Ssssshit," hissed the snake, "I must be a lawyer."
A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.
"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."
A guy walks into a bar and spots a dog sitting at a piano in the corner. The dog is playing a medley of Broadway hits. Stunned, the guy strolls over to the bar and orders a drink from the bartender.
"That is some dog you've got there," the guy says.
"Yep," replies the bartender, "can't believe with that kind of talent that he wants to be a doctor."
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem worsened, and as they all sat in the living room talking, the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"Spot!" the young woman's mother exclaimed, looking at the family dog lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved that the dog was taking the blame, the young man let a slightly larger one go.
"Spot!" she called out sharply.
"I've got it made. One more and I'll feel fine," the fellow thought to himself. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
Joe gets a call from Bob to join in a poker game. When he comes over, he sees a Bob and three of his friends at the table playing poker with the family dog, and the dog has the biggest pile of chips at the table.
"Hey, Bob," says Joe, "I didn't know your dog was a player. That's amazing!"
"Ah, he's not that bright," Bob says. "Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail."
A dog walks into a bar wearing surgical scrubs and a stethoscope. He sits down at the bar and orders a double Scotch.
The bartender fetches the dog his drink and says, "Are you a doctor? 'Cause I don't think I've ever met a dog who was a doctor."
"I am, my good man, and I am here to drown my sorrows," the dog replies.
"Listen, I don't mean to pry, but—"
"Let me tell you my story," the dog sighs. "When I was just a puppy, all I ever wanted was to bark, romp, chase cars, and play fetch. My father, God rest him, took me aside one day, thrust a medical textbook in my paws, and told me I could be anything I wanted to be. So I gave it all up—the barking, the romping, chasing cars, playing fetch. I burned the midnight oil, studied day and night, and I graduated at the top of my class from medical school. I did all that by listening to my father, and that's why I am what I am today."
"The world's best canine doctor?"
"No," the dog growled, downing his Scotch. "The world's worst dog."
A guy is walking his pet chihuahua and spots a bar. He decides to stop in for a drink. Not wanting to leave his dog outside, he leads him in on the leash.
"Hey," the bartender calls out, "sorry, man, but no dogs allowed."
Thinking quickly, the guy feels around the door as if he's blind and says, "No, wait, this is my seeing eye dog."
The bartender raises an eyebrow. "I don't think so. Since when do they use chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?"
Without missing a beat, the guy replies, "What? They gave me a fucking chihuahua?"
A blind man is in a store with his seeing eye dog, talking to a sales clerk. Suddenly, the dog cocks a leg and pees right on the blind man's shoe. To the clerk's astonishment, the man reaches down and proceeds to stroke the dog's back.
"Why on earth are you petting him?" the clerk asks. "He just piddled all over your loafers."
"I gotta find out where his head is," the blind man testily replies, "so I can kick his ass."
This lady takes her poodle into the veterinarian's office. The receptionist tells her to take a seat, and she sits down beside a lady with a great Dane.
"What are you here for?" the lady with the Great Dane asks.
"Well, Fluffy here is in heat, and it's getting to be too embarrassing. Every minute you turn around, she's on your leg. If guests come over to the house, she's on their legs. I'm having her fixed."
"I'm having the same problem with Mr. Nibs," says the lady, pointing to the Great Dane. "I turn around for a second and he's on my back."
"Oh, are you having him fixed too?"
"No, " the lady says, "I'm just having his nails trimmed."
A guy walks into a bar with a cat and a dog. The bartender asks, "What'll it be?"
The dog looks the bartender in the eye and says, "I'll have a beer, the cat would like a vodka tonic, and get my master here a gin martini, very dry."
"This is unbelievable!" the bartender says to the guy. "Your dog can talk!"
The guy laughs. "Don't let him fool you, pal. The cat's a ventriloquist."
One day, Bob is backing out of his driveway when he hears a heart-rending yowl. When he gets out of the car, he realizes he's run over his neighbor's pet cat. His heart in his throat, Bob goes next door and knocks. Old Mrs. O'Malley opens the door.
"Mrs. O'Malley," Bob says, "I don't know how to tell you this...I just ran over your cat. I'm so sorry, I...I'd like to replace him if I could."
The old woman looks him over for a moment, shrugs, and says, "Well, I'm game, but how are you at catching mice?"
A woman storms into the pet store with a cat. She corners the owner and says, "You're taking this no-good cat back, mister. You said he was good for mice. All this lazy thing does is lie around the house!"
"And that's not good for the mice?" the owner replies.
A flea is sunbathing on the beach one day when he sees one of his flea friends walking towards him, shivering.
"Why are you so cold?" he asks his friend.
"Because I had to hitch a ride on some guy's mustache to get here." replies the other flea.
"Well, just do what I always do," says the first flea. "I go into a woman's bathroom and sit on the toilet seat. Then when a gal comes along, I just jump up and make myself comfortable. It's very warm. You should try it."
So the next week, the flea is sunbathing again when he sees his friend walking up to him, still shivering.
"Why didn't you do what I told you to?" he asks his cold friend.
"I did!" says the other flea. "I went into the women's bathroom, sat on the toilet, and hopped onto the first gal that came in. I got so comfortable there, I fell asleep. The next thing I know, I wake up in some guy's mustache...."
A guy walks into a bar with a pig that has a wooden leg. The bartender spots him and sayss, "Sorry, friend, but you can't bring that pig in here."
"Oh, listen, this here pig is special, son. He won't hurt anything."
"All right, but if anybody complains—say, what's with the wooden leg?"
"Listen up, this here pig was rooting around back of the house one day and struck oil. Made me a fortune. Built me the biggest house in town with a swimming pool in back."
The bartender says, "Okay, but what's up with the wooden leg?"
"Yessir, this pig is special. My son was in that swimming pool and would've drowned one day but for that pig. Pig swam in after him, pulled him right out."
"So what about that leg?" the bartender asks.
"I'm telling you, this pig is special. Had a fire in the house one night. This here pig woke us all up and then put the fire out all by himself. Damnest thing you ever seen."
The bartender presses him again. "Yeah, but why does he have a wooden leg?"
The guy scratches the pig under the chin, looks at the bartender, and says, "Hell, son, a pig like this one, you don't eat all at once."
A captain in the foreign legion gets transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour, he notices a very seedy-looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asks the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"
The sergeant replies "Well, sir, it's a long way to anywhere from here, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."
The captain says, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he's been at the fort for about six months, the captain can't stand it any more, so he tells his sergeant, "Bring in the camel!" The sarge shrugs his shoulders and leads the camel into the captain's quarters.
The captain gets a foot stool and proceeds to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he steps down from the stool and buttons his pants, he asks the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant replies, "No, sir, they usually just ride it into town."
Mike and Jim are best friends, and always wanted to take a safari trip to Africa. They manage to set aside enough money to make it to Kenya.
On the first night in Kenya, they're sitting in a bar making a bet on which one will be the first to bag a lion. Things start getting a little heated as the drinks flow, and finally Mike bets Jim a hundred dollars that he's going to shoot the first lion. Mike jumps off the bar stool and says, "I'm getting my gun and going right now!" Mike storms out of the bar.
A couple of hours go by, and then a lion strides angrily into the bar. "Anybody here know some guy named Mike?"
"Um, I do," says Jim.
"Well," the lion replies, licking a paw, "he owes you a hundred bucks."
One day Joe is surprised to open his front door and spot a gorilla sitting in a tree in his front yard. Alarmed, Joe slams the door and looks up "Gorilla Removal" in his Yellow Pages. A few minutes later, a van marked "Bob's Gorilla Removal Service" screeches to a halt in front of the house.
Bob gets out of the van brandishing a pistol and carrying a Doberman on a leash. "Here's the plan," he tells Joe. "You're going to hold onto this gun while I climb up the tree and shake the big fella out. When the gorilla hits the ground, the dog's going to go for his privates. Once the gorilla's had a taste of that, we can get him into the back of the van. Questions?"
"So what's the gun for?" asks Joe.
"If I fall out of the tree, shoot the goddamn dog!"
There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.
He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot flew onstage and squawked, "It's in his sleeve!"
The magician chased the bird away.
The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot flew onstage and declared, "It's in his pocket!"
The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.
The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.
They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, "I give up, what'd you do with the ship?"
The CIA, the FBI, and the LAPD are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After four weeks with no leads, they end up in a two-month standoff with a moose based on a tip from a squirrel. They conclude that the rabbit sent the squirrel in as a decoy.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear, who's yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
A real tough-looking guy strides into a pub in the Australian outpack leading a crocodile on a leash. The whole pub goes silent as he enters, and everybody gives them a wide berth.
The man steps up to the bar and asks, "Do you serve Americans here, mate?"
"We'll serve anybody," the bartender replies.
"Great. I'll take a beer for meself, and an American for me croc."
A snail is walking down the road, when all of a sudden two turtles appear. They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for dead.
Months later in the courtroom, after the two turtles have been arrested, the judge asks the snail to describe what happened on the night of the assault.
The snail says, "Gee, I would love to, your honor, but it all happened so fast!"
A man is getting ready to sit down to dinner when he hears a knock at his door. He gets up and answers it, but seeing no one, he starts to shut the door.
"Excuse me, sir?" he hears a tiny voice say. He looks down and sees a snail on his porch carrying a small briefcase. "I was wondering if you own a good set of encyclopedias. May I come in and talk with you?"
"No!" the man yells. For good measure, he kicks the snail off his porch as far as he can and storms back inside.
Three years later, the guy is again getting ready to sit down to dinner when he hears a knock at his door. He opens the door to find the same snail waiting on his porch. The snail looks up angrily at him and asks, "What the hell was that for?"
A neighborhood softball team is having their team tryouts when a turkey trots up to the team manager and asks if he can shag some balls in center. The manager shrugs and says, "Sure."
The turkey grabs a glove and heads out into center field. He catches everything hit his way. When the turkey heads back in, the manager says, "Jeez, that was really something! Everybody's talking, friend; we really want you on the team."
"I'll do it on one condition," the turkey says.
"Name it."
"We play through November."
Three mice were sitting around talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse said "I'm so tough, I wear this mousetrap on my neck as a necklace!"
The second mouse said "Yeah? Well, I'm so tough, I eat rat poison for breakfast!"
The third mouse listened to this, then got up and started to leave. The other mice asked him where he was going.
"You guys don't know tough," he replied. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to fuck the cat again."
One day, after Bob and Martha have celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, they get to talking about what's going to happen when they pass on. They make a pact that no matter which of them dies first, the one that does will return to tell the other one about the afterlife.
Not long after that, Bob has a heart attack and dies. Sure enough, a month later Martha is sleeping in bed when she is awakened to the sound of Bob's ghostly voice calling her name, "Martha...Martha...it's Bob, Martha."
"You came back, just like we promised!" Martha exclaims. "So tell me, what's it like now?"
"Martha, it's beautiful. Rolling hills, a view like you wouldn't believe. And so relaxing. We eat a little breakfast, take a nap. Then we roam around a little, get a little lunch, and we take another nap. Then we roam some more. And sometimes, just to liven things up a little, we go visit the cows."
"Cows," Martha asks, puzzled. "They have cows in Heaven?"
"What Heaven?" Bob replies. "I'm a bull in Montana."
Two gorillas walk into a bar; one of them orders a couple of beers.
The bartender, a little stunned, pours two drafts and says, "That'll be twenty dollars."
The gorilla pulls out a wallet and puts a twenty on the bar. The bartender takes it and says, "You know, don't take this as anything, but we don't get a lot of gorillas coming in here."
The gorilla hands one of the beers to his companion, takes a swig, and says, "At ten bucks a draft, I'm not that surprised!"
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why do I have these huge, three-toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well, son, they are there to help you to stay on top of the soft sand on our long treks across the desert."
"Okay" says the son. A few minutes later, he asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on our long treks across the desert."
"Thanks, mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"
The mother replies, "They are there to help you store water for our long treks across the desert."
"So...we have big feet, long eyelashes, and two humps for our long treks across the desert," the son says. " Fine, I get that. Then can I ask you one last question?"
"Certainly, son."
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
Bob, an investment banker in Manhattan, grows tired of the city life and the pressure of his career. He and his wife pool together all their savings and buy a sheep ranch out in the country. They pack up and drive to the ranch, and the former owner shows them around. While the wife takes a tour of the house, the man asks to see the flock of sheep.
"I got some bad new for you," the rancher says. "My ram died last spring, so all you've got here are the ewes. I can put you in touch with some folks, but you're either going to need to buy a new ram or get those ewes artificially inseminated. It won't be cheap, either way."
"We've already sunk all our money into this ranch. Isn't there something else we can do?"
"Well," the rancher replies, having a little fun with Bob, "I'll let you in on a little secret. You could make like a ram and breed the ewes yourself. But you'll have to keep at it for a few days before they'll all be pregnant."
Bob lets out a low whistle. "I don't know if I've got any better options at this point...maybe I'll try it until the ranch earns me enough to buy a ram. But how do I know if they're pregnant or not?"
"Easy," says the rancher, trying to keep a straight face. "One morning you'll see them on their backs with their legs waving in the air."
The rancher drives off, and the couple spends their first night on the ranch. The next morning, Bob decides to put the plan into action. He doesn't want his wife to know, so he loads the sheep into a truck, drives them out to the farthest pasture, unloads them, and has sex with each ewe. The effort takes him all morning; exhausted, he wearily loads the sheep back into the truck, drives them back, and goes home to fall asleep. The next day he repeats the procedure. This time it takes him well into the afternoon, and when he gets home, he falls asleep again. The next time, it takes him until sundown, and he can barely eat dinner before he drops into bed, wondering how he'll manage to continue the next day.
The next morning, he oversleeps. He wakes up to his wife shaking him, saying, "Honey! Look at the sheep! They're acting strange!"
"Are they on their backs? Are their legs waving in the air?" he asks in a hopeful voice.
"No," she says. "But the ewes are all in the truck, and there's one in the front seat honking the horn!"
It's the middle of August in the forest, and the heat is scorching. Brer Rabbit sits in the shade, whittling away at a stick with his knife.
Brer Fox passes by. "Hey, Brer Rabbit, watcha doin?"
Brer Rabbit replies, "I'm sharpening up this stick to kill Brer Bear."
A little while later, Brer Wolf passes by. "Hey, Brer Rabbit, watcha doin?"
Brer Rabbit replies again, "I'm sharpening up this stick to kill Brer Bear."
Later on, Brer Bear spots him and stops by. "Hey, Brer Rabbit, watcha doin?"
Brer Rabbit replies again, "Nothing much, just sharpening up this stick and bullshitting."